Friday, August 12, 2005
Fairy Tale Lessons, Part II
Silk wanted to know my take on two more fairy tales, so I expanded the list a bit and now have the following additional lessons to offer up, gleaned from a fresh perusal of a handful of quite famous fairy tales.

Jack and the Beanstalk:
  1. Jack and his mum were in an economic tight spot when they decided to sell that cow. Jack had always been unsuccessful when seeking gainful employment away from the farm, so why did Jack's mum think he was the best man for the job of selling the cow? I haven't a clue. I can be fairly certain, however, that if you are having trouble finding a job in town, maybe you aren't the best person to negotiate the sale of your only remaining asset.
  2. However, if you are going to negotiate the sale on your own (unwise considering your abilities) do be sure to seek all pertinent information. What good are beans that germinate and grow overnight? What is the crop? Is it saleable? Who cares if the beans grow overnight if it can't be turned into cash? Remember, you are in financial straits. Getting flush again is the whole point, and usually not remedied by a fast-growing pie-in-the-sky concept.
  3. If you meet someone who readily admits to eating people like you for breakfast and doesn't mean that as a euphemism, GET OUT. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
  4. If you do happen to get away from the one who would have had you for lunch and find that it has enriched your purse, don't get greedy. Don't go back, pressing your luck. One of these days you'll run out of luck. It would be a real shame if you discovered this in the casserole dish.
The Little Mermaid:
  1. More dos and don'ts about deal-making. When you are negotiating a deal, particularly with an untrustworthy and unsavory character, (come on! Are you stupid or what?) be absolutely certain that you know what is "fair" and what is "foul" according to the terms.
  2. Furthermore, negotiate from a position of power. If your father is the great and almighty Sea King, don't be cowed by the underbelly of the sea. They don't know you don't have permission to make the deal. Drop Daddy's name if you have to, just don't be tied to a no-win deal.
The Princess and the Pea:
  1. Honey, if your skin is that sensitive, I'm wondering if you aren't a hemophiliac. See a doctor.
  2. Also, all modern day princesses should be aware that any "prince" who demands only the most "sensitive" of princesses, likely doesn't deserve one. How smug and superior to insist on some ridiculous measure of a princess and not care one bit for her cleverness or her leadership skills! I suggest to you that a real Prince wouldn't make any lady suffer the torture of a whole night's poor sleep, particularly when she came to the castle in dire straits to begin with. He's a sicko, a sadist. Steer well clear of him.
The Frog Prince:
  1. All men are slimy frogs in the beginning. Some men can shed the slime when kissed by the right woman. However, this means that all princesses have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find one with the potential for metamorphosis. Since a considerable amount of slime-kissing is in your future, prepare yourself with a layer of protection in the form of a sturdy, waterproof lipgloss.
  2. Stop dropping your prized possessions in the well, you twit! If you prize it, don't be so capricious in the care of your treasure.

Little Red Riding Hood:

  1. Stick to the plan and the schedule. Don't be lured off of the path and procrastinate with the seductions of strawberries, butterflies, and flowers. Only simpletons are so stupid in a forest filled with dangerous animals.
  2. If it doesn't look like Grandma, sound like Grandma, or smell like might not actually be Grandma. Ask a question that only Grandma knows the answer to, for cripes sake! Don't doubt your own initial instincts or it could land you in the belly of the beast.
Beauty and the Beast:
  1. The actions of a man speak louder than his words. If a suitor keeps his promise to you and has proven himself to be a kind man, you must also keep your word to him. Else, you'll be branded a heartless beast yourself and end up with someone much less deserving.
  2. All men seem to be beasts in the beginning. They are rough around the edges and in need of domestication. However, in time, all animals can be trained. Just keep an eye on the rugs during the training process, and don't forget to reward positive behavior with treats.
posted by Phoenix | 2:23 PM


At 4:46 PM, Blogger amelie said...

this and the first -- brilliant!

At 6:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing. my favourite line... 'Stop dropping your prized possessions in the well, you twit!'

At 1:52 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Very well done! /TJ

At 5:24 PM, Blogger amelie said...

the most ironic thing to me, about your posting both of these, is that during break at work we were talking about the message behind disney movies. my favourite? my brother says, "the message behind bambi is don't start forest fires." my friend seamus says, "the message behind bambi is, if your mother gets shot, keep running!"

At 8:16 AM, Blogger Phoenix said...


"...if your mother gets shot, keep running!" is EXCELLENT advice.


Thanks, though, it was a ton of fun to reduce these oft-told tales into real-life advice.


Yeah, that was one of my favorite lines too. But you must admit, that as far as many of those fairy tale princess types go, they were all twits! They couldn't have thought themselves out of a paper bag!


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