Thursday, June 16, 2005
Whatever Happened to Funny?
Whatever happened to funny? If you are watching any television these days, you will find it sadly lacking. Instead, so-called "reality" shows have taken over.

And I've had it up to my eyebrows with the crap!

I don't care if Paris Hilton is learning to be human. The fact of the matter is, she wouldn't recognize reality if it side-swiped her limo. This girl doesn't do her own laundry or walk her own dog. She's a fake celebrity and an idiot, and not worth my time. That goes double for her has-been sidekick Nicole and whatever oatmeal-for-brains replaces her.

And don't even get me started on that "Who wants to be a Hilton" show that Paris's mommy is hosting. Who wants to be rich, arrogant, insufferable, stupid, crass, make poor jokes, and swear all the time? That seems to be the measure of a Hilton if we watch Paris, so I ask again. Who the hell would want to be a Hilton? Definitely not me. I like my brain. I use my brain. This show asks you to donate it to the nearest civil waste reclamation/water treatment facility.

And last night I caught a promo for some show featuring two rich boys. Daddy pays for everything and they spend cash worse than drunken sailors with a few days liberty. Daddy says enough is enough (about 18 years late) and now they have to (SHOCK) earn money. How much you want to bet that "earning money" involves no work whatsoever?

This isn't reality! It isn't reality!

It is fantasy drivel. You want reality? Here's a few suggestions for the characters in these so-called fish-out-of-water "reality" shows.

Paris Hilton: I suggest she actually try the simple life on for size. I suggest that she switch places with a 23-year-old stay-at-home mom of 4 toddlers. I suggest that Paris be responsible for diapering and feeding twin infants, instructing a 3-year-old on the alphabet and numbers and keeping him occupied all day without a television, and getting a 5-year-old to and from school everyday. All the while, she must also keep house and prepare 3 meals each day. She is only allowed $40/week in disposable income for magazines, nail polish, and other non-essential items. She would have to keep an irritable hard-working man fed, clothed, and happy. She must do this for, oh, let's give her a break and only say 6 weeks. Now that would be reality.

Nicole Richie: I suggest that she take on the work of many average Americans. Nicole will get 2 8-hour/day jobs. Many people work two jobs, so she should be able to do it too. Her first job will be waitressing at a TGI Fridays from 4 pm to midnight everyday. Her second job will be an 8-hour job on a factory line performing the same monotonous task all day long with only two 15-minute breaks and a 30-minute lunch. Imagine little-miss-rich-girl trying to keep orders straight, bussing her own tables, dealing with irate customers who've been waiting for a table for 45 minutes only to learn that they can't get a baked potato anymore. Imagine her spilling drinks in laps and being treated as less than for once. She might learn some self-respect and a little humility, for once. Then, she could learn about the humdrum monotony of being just another cog in the big corporation. She would be nothing significant, unless she isn't making quota or keeping up with the line. She'd have to pull her own maintenance and take care of her own tools. Nicole's reality would include her sharing a 2-bedroom apartment with one bathroom with 4 other people. All of her salary would pay for her share of rent, utilities, transportation to each of her jobs, and food. Her only spending money would be from tips. Again, she would have to do this for six weeks.

Rich boy #1: I suggest that he would have to take on two jobs. His first would be an 8-hour shift at a fast food restaurant. He would have to mop, clean grease traps, make fries, take out trash, and clean tables. He would have to deal with teenage know-it-alls, slow geriatrics, and people who don't know what they want. His second job would be in lawn care and landscaping. He'd spend hours everyday mowing the lawns of suburban housewives and elderly perfectionists. He'd have to plant flowers and trim hedges, all the while sweating his pretty little butt off. He'd have to deal with dogs and snot-nosed children, and rearrange his mowing schedule around when the neighborhood kids are not in the pool. He'd have to deal with his own allergies and sunburns, insects, and weeds. He would have to live with a suburban family and drive a 1972 Chevy Nova – faded lime green – with balding tires – and a penchant for burning oil like gas. He too would have to pay for his room and board from his salaries, but would get spending money from any lawn tips he might receive and for doing his chores around the house. However, gas money must come out of his spending money. Again, six weeks sounds like enough time for reality to really set in.

Rich Boy #2: Ah, I’ve saved the best for last. This fine young gentleman is going to work our nation’s wheat harvest, from Texas right on up to the Dakotas. He’s going to be the “new boy” on a professional cutting crew. He’ll have to work 17-hour days driving a truck, combine, or grain cart. He’ll survive on Dr. Pepper and ham sandwiches. He’ll be stuck in Nowheresville, KS and a dozen other such type towns where there is next to nothing to do, if you have any spare time. He will learn to pull his own maintenance, gas and grease vehicles, change a bearing and replace a pulley. He’ll learn about the hazards of not thinking on the farm, driving too fast, smoking in the fields, and lack of caution. He’ll learn about constipation and wheat chaff, itchy eyes, and sweat. He’ll learn about life on the farm – real work – and how weather can shut you down. He’ll have plenty of spending money, his room and board being part of his salary, but he’ll have no personal means of transportation, and let’s face it, no place to go if he did. He’d have to take his turn performing the rolling household duties too, including cleaning out the waste storage on all of those trailers. Unfortunately, in this case he’d have to stay until the last job in North Dakota was done, but I wouldn’t make him do the return trip – Corn Harvest from North Dakota to Texas. Imagine all that he would learn, and how he would grow.

Now that would make good television!

Seriously. Where are all the smart, funny sitcoms?
posted by Phoenix | 12:05 PM


At 12:44 PM, Blogger WitNit said...

Check out the "Sports Night" DVDs. Two seasons, hilarious and touching, and NO it's not about sports.

And what about Everybody Loves Raymond? And Scrubs? Non-stop funny.



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