Supreme Court Nominee
I do hereby submit my own name for consideration for the Federal Supreme Court vacancy left by retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.I realize that it is unusual to nominate yourself, but I would be an unusual justice. Consider:
- I would promise to keep my political opinions to myself and never appear on any Sunday morning political talkshows.
- I would promise to serve faithfully and always wear panties under my robe.
- I would never move to legislate from the bench, but always keep in mind that my duty is the preservation and strict interpretation of the Constitution and the ideals of the Founding Fathers.
- It is true that I've never served as a judge, but I view this as a positive. I have a fresh perspective and would be unencumbered by the liberal teachings of law professors in my past.
- I really KNOW the Constitution and revere it as a most honorable document and the very instrument of our Republic.
- I would be happy to take my turn cleaning the Supreme Bathroom as a way to save taxpayer money. I'll even bring in 2 cases of toilet paper at the beginning of every season to assist taxpayer savings.
- I would be friendly and helpful to the other justices as I learned the ropes, but never compromise my character, my beliefs, or my opinions.
- I hereby promise not to get involved in some splashy sex scandal, drug scandal, or anything involving fuzzy bunnies or goats.
- As I have never held elected office, I have no debts to repay and therefore can't be held hostage by special interests.
- I am a woman. A young woman. A young, married, pregnant woman. Not even the Democrats can take issue with that.
- I am passionate about my beliefs, but weigh all evidence before coming to a decision. I politely listen to all viewpoints with an open mind.
- I have a college education and I read lots of other things. Therefore, I have a broad knowledge of stuff and am familiar with many issues.
- As a young person, I am intimately aware of new technology, what it is for, the perils and dangers and boons, and could assist other justices in moving into the now. I could even help the justices set up a blog and use email! Imagine: 9 Blogs with the inside view of the life of the Supremes on display. "They over-starched my robe today and Ruth forgot to flush. I hate that." Good stuff.
- I am clever (most of the time) and will not fall asleep during court.
- I promise not to make unclear decisions that are difficult to interpret. My decisions will be clear, well-written, and based on the Constitution and common sense.
- I promise to hold inviolate the rights of the citizen, as outlined in the Bill of Rights, and always remember that those powers and rights not enumerated in the Bill of Rights were intended by the framers to be reserved for the People and the States.
- I promise to retire if I start slobbering at the bench.
- I promise not to criticize the other justices or call them "ignorant out-of-touch bastards."
- I will go ahead and become a member of the DAR so that my credentials are on display for all of those who find such things important.
- I will donate much of my off-court time speaking with people, particularly school children, about the government as it relates to them and their rights so as to interest future generations in the Democratic process.
- I will teach the other justices how to do the Electric Slide and begin have Supreme Mixers to help the older members of the court keep their hips in shape.
- I will establish a Supreme Court Daycare Center so that my children can be at work with me, and the other justices can see their grandchildren.
- I will teach the other justices today's slang so that they know when they are about to be mugged or ridiculed.
There it is. 23 reasons why I'm at least as legitimate a candidate as most, and better than quite a few.
Phoenix for the Supreme Court!
