My Sister: CIA Operative?
For quite a while now I have had this theory that my 27-year-old sister is CIA. I will lay out my argument and let you be the judge.
First of all, my sister is hot. Or, as Prince Charming's friends say "Hh -aw-aw-aw-AWT!" She's got this adorable and deadly figure - all the other girls have plenty of reason to hate her - and she's smart to boot. Prince Charming's friends all turn into blibbering idiots when she's around and would likely give up box tickets to the SuperBowl to spend 10 minutes with her.
I personally know that she is really good with a rifle, and more than competent with a handgun. She has also taken some defensive martial arts courses, though not lately as far as I know. She knows all of these weird things too, things you would not get from normal information sources. I don't even think she knows she astounds me when she drops them into the conversation. She works as an actuary. Yeah. An "actuary". I think this is the perfect cover. Most people don't even know what an actuary is, let alone what they do. Nobody wants to show their ignorance, so they don't delve too deeply when they find out she's an "actuary". Moreover, how many actuaries are that hot? I can count them on one finger, folks.
But that's not all. For the longest time, her "boyfriend" (read partner) lived in Ireland (read Europe - easy jumping off ground for flying to all corners of the Earth). (You know, come to think of it, I don't really have any proof that he lived there. That could have been just a convenient excuse for all of that travel.) This meant that she would fly to Paris for the weekend, Spain for New Year's, Dublin for the week with a stopover in London, etc. Now, nobody else that I know lives like this. Not even Paris Hilton does this much jetting. Even more compelling, was how she financed these little trips. She signed on as a "courier." Yeah, right. Like that isn't straight out of the CIA handbook. Spook 101, first day of class, subject: "Couriers".
A couple of months ago, she and her "boyfriend" both moved to Bermuda (little island off the East coast of the US that is an entirely different country). Because Bermuda belongs to the UK, there are daily flights to London - naturally if you are a super-spy you need to have easy access to the rest of the world via a major European airport. How else are you going to get to Pakistan? Too many questions come up if you travel out of O'hare, ya know?
Even more suspicious are the little things she brings back to me from her trips (read proof to give her cover story credence). Like, from the Big Easy she brings me a box of beignet mix from Cafe du Monde (which you can buy in Chicagoland grocery stores) . From other places I've received refrigerator magnets.
Interestingly enough are the little stories she brings back from her "travels" (read missions). Like the time she was "mugged" and got a few scrapes. She came back all stories about the tour she had been on and only told me about the incident after I asked "what happened to your leg?" I mean, if I had been mugged it would have been the first words out of my lips. Not her. And I find that very suspicious. (I'm raising my eyebrow here.) What really happened, I wonder? Was she chasing down a terror cell in New Orleans, looking into terror financing...what?
I suspect she is CIA for another reason as well. My sister and I have olive skin, dark hair, and dark brown eyes. Her eyes are more almond-shaped than mine and her hair is long and straight while mine is horribly shirley temple-esque. Me? I could pass for Italian, maybe. Her? She could be Israeli, Arab, Italian, Greek, etc. She could be anybody. More than that, she is short and petite and could easily pass for a young girl if the clothes were bulky and not fitted. She is extremely fit and runs in all of these charity 5K and 10K deals. Running...hmm, could she be trying to maintain her skills, sharpening the saw for when she'll need them? Me thinks so. (raising eyebrow again). Let's put it this way: she could be more people than Valerie Plame could, judging from those photos in Vanity Fair. And I'm pretty sure I could count on her to find a better disguise than a pair of sunglasses and a scarf!
Her boyfriend is equally suspicious. He too is an "actuary". Mm-hmm. He's really tall and shaves his head. So, he could look really old if he needed to go undercover. He seems athletic too. He knows people all over the world...they have all of these friends and go to a lot of "weddings." Nobody is going to ask a lot of questions about a wedding for people they don't know - yet another way to shut down questions and maintain your cover.
Her schedule is suspicious too. Tell me, who knew Christmas was the busiest time of the year in the insurance business? Certainly not me. And who, with a jet-setting life like that I've described comes back to the Chicago suburbs for their 10-year High School Reunion? Come on. I didn't even drive 6 hours to go back to mine from Southern Illinois (an area that doesn't have much to recommend it). She can come back for Thanksgiving, and certain odd weekends, but it is all very irregular. And, she's always "studying," an activity that could surely mask any number of spy activities.
Interestingly enough, all of her activity seemed to ramp up in the last 3 years (read since 9/11/01). Before that, she was less of a traveler. I secretly wonder if at this time she was still in training. I don't know anything for sure, but I have my suspicions. I'm a big fan of Alias, so I recognize the activities of my sister as things Jennifer Garner's character "Sidney Bristow" might do.
I have shared my theory with her, but she laughs it off. Something I would expect a spy to do. She says, "Well, I can't really confirm or deny it and convince you, can I?" Nope. Not after that cryptic statement!
Do you need more evidence? When I lived in Southern Illinois, she rarely came to visit me. It's too far, she would say. So I would go to her when it fit into her schedule. Then I moved to Wisconsin - in part to see more of her - and she still was too busy to come see me very much. Uh huh. Suuuure. Now she lives in Bermuda and phone calls are a)extremely expensive and b)few and far between. As far as I know, she could be calling me from the Gaza Strip, Damascus, or even Fallujah. We talk mostly be email and as everyone knows, I can't really tell where she's sitting from that!
I'm kind of worried though. If the CIA can't fool me, who are they fooling? So what do you think? Is my sister a spook?
