Casual Behavior
Kathy and her circle of divas (Sadie, Silk, and Christina) are demystifying casual sex today. Kathy, as always, is well worth reading, but something she said made me think. (No, this is not a first.)They're all correct. Each and every one of their reasons is true. To a certain
extent. But I'm going to play the part of the devil's advocate here and say that
the reason most women do not want to partake in casual sex is because some just
don't like how they feel about the whole business in the harsh, cold,
raccoon-eyed, light of day.
I've always had a code of conduct, a rigid set of lines that I wasn’t going to cross. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, far from it. But during/after college, I was hurt terribly. Broken engagement hurt. This by the same ratman I’ve discussed previously.
The hurt hung on far too long. I threw myself into my brand new career and hung out with my little sister a lot. I didn’t go out much at all. This lasted a year and a half.
It was at this time that I went a little crazy and rebelled, against myself. I threw caution to the wind. And when a man acted interested in me at a bar one night, I finally cracked and let a man get a little closer. I let him kiss me. See? See how rigid my little world was? This was a pretty big no-no to the 22-year-old me. What, do I exist for the target practice of others?
This incident did more than breach my personal code. It also breached my professional code. He was a co-worker. No, company policy did not mandate against fraternization. However, as a very young professional in a male dominated field of agriculture, it was an obvious route to getting screwed...professionally. You can’t be taken seriously if you are 5’3” tall, have curly hair like Shirley Temple, are known for your baked goods, and are the only female member of management. If you add to that a very small environment (less than 30 employees) and a willingness to shag your co-workers…well, I think you see where this is going.
For heaven’s sake, long before this incident the company bought me a new pickup to replace my light blue Jurassic-era Chevy that had drifts inside the cab after snow storms, a co-worker asked me who I had slept with. I had a lot to battle back in those days.
So, back to the story. I let him kiss me. Again and again. The secretaries from work witnessed it. Oh, hell. Now what?
I got a ride home from the same person who drove him home and he walked me to the door. He said, “If you don’t come over to my place tonight, I’ll be here for breakfast in the morning.” That was something I’d never heard before.
I threw caution to the wind again. I waited 30 minutes, then drove to his place. (I didn’t want our co-workers catching me arriving.) Yeah, I’m a secret agent.
We had an amazing evening. We didn’t sleep at all. We didn’t even…you know. Because I’m a nice girl, like Kathy said. But it didn’t matter. I still felt guilty the next morning. I didn’t know this person very well, and yet I’d spent the night with him. From a safety perspective, I was beating myself up over the stupidity of it. I had been stalked in the past by one psycho, and nearly raped by another. I had gone to this guy’s apartment and told nobody. If I had disappeared, the last people who had seen me would have been co-workers, all who had seen me safely home. Moreover, I still felt a tinge of guilt over my behavior in light of the guy who had broken off the engagement. I didn’t feel free to behave that way. Not to mention the shame of having behaved in a way that “nice” girls don’t behave.
Monday, I had to deal with all of the smirks and knowing looks from my co-workers. And, they only knew about the kiss in the bar!
Do I recommend casual sex? Not even remotely. However, since that guy turned out to be Prince Charming, I can’t exactly say too much from my high horse. We dated for 6 years after that night and were finally married.
I can say that breaking your own code can be good sometimes. I still wish that I could have kept it quiet at work, but that was impossible given the circumstances. Yeah, breaking your own code of conduct can be good as well as dangerous. No risk, No reward.
