Blame it on your lyin', cheatin', cold, dead-beatin', two-timin', double-dealin', mean, mistreatin', lovin' heart
This week's topic for the Demystifying Divas and the Men's Club stems from The Wizard's vexation over a situation on television's Grey's Anatomy. The question is: Why is it that we value commitment so lightly? Does one person's cheating in a relationship give the other person license to cheat?Now, for those of you who do not watch Grey's Anatomy, let me sketch out the scenario so you can understand where the question comes from. The main character, a woman learning to be a surgeon, begins dating/sleeping with her boss on the show, someone she refers to as "Dr. McDreamy." Unbeknownst to her, at the outset, he is a married man. Separated, but married. His wife hunts them up soon enough and moves herself out to Seattle in order to "save" the marriage. Now for the backstory: Dr. McDreamy left his wife because he caught her cheating (red-handed) with his best friend. So, he picked up his panties and moved west, without her. He didn't file for divorce or anything, he just...left.
I believe The Wizard's big problem with the show and the circumstances laid out by the writers is that the audience is predisposed, nay, encouraged, to see the wife as a villain and root for the end of the marriage so that Dr. McDreamy will end up with Dr. Grey. This is where his questions come from.
The first question posited by The Wizard is why we value commitment so lightly. To this I can only respond that individuals and "society" don't necessarily agree. It is true that our society sees little incentive to maintain commitments. Take them to court, divorce, annulment. Things are too easy to get out of, and in a great many respects, far too easy to get into. In this respect I can actually speak from experience.
I DO NOT value real commitment cheaply. I've been cheated on and taken it, accepted his words that "it meant nothing" and "wouldn't happen again." But, the thing is, it did always happen again. This eventually brought me to the conclusion that as little as the other woman and his shenanigans with her might have meant, he valued me no more highly. As a result of being cheated on, I now value commitment more highly. It is a thing to treasure and cherish. Not unlike a relationship, commitment has to be tended and nurtured like the most precious and sensitive of things. If you start to get lazy or lax, all is lost.
In the case of the show, the writers have set us up to root for the dissolution of the marriage. It is a plot device. Young woman falls for older, wiser man. Man's wife must return to spoil the ensuing happiness. This is, afterall, television. Furthermore, we want to root for Dr. Grey because she is the underdog and the main character. I call her the underdog because she is wimpy and uncertain. In juxtaposition, the usurper, the new character to the show, the wife, is cold, hard, aggressive, and determined. You could not have a more obvious opposite to Dr. Grey's self-doubting, wimpy, and wispy character. So naturally we come down on Dr. Grey's side. That's what we are supposed to do.
However, what we all should realize here is that all parties bear some culpability. First, the wife's actions with the best friend were reprehensible. No amount of whining on her part about feeling "abandoned" and "seeking comfort" where she could find it garner her any moral advantage.
Dr. McDreamy is just like Scarlet O'hara's preferred beau, Ashley. He is a man who lacks backbone and ends up hurting everyone. He lacked the backbone to face his cheating wife. He lacked the backbone to come into a new relationship with all of his cards on the table. He should have told Dr. Grey about his complicated marital situation. That would have been the decent thing to do.
And Dr. Grey, she is not blameless. First of all, she should know better than to get involved with her boss. That's a no-brainer. Second, if you are going to have a relationship, at least do your homework and find out if the guy is a criminal or ...you know, married.
Now, to the second part of The Wizard's question: Does cheating on the part of one party condone the same behavior in the second party?
Never have I been able to answer a Diva/Men's Club question so easily.
Absolutely Not!
The entire question is ridiculous. Does someone else committing murder entitle someone else to do it? NO. The behavior is wrong, it doesn't matter who is doing it or when. Cheating is cheating. If you are such a sleazeball that you can't see this, I can't help you. That whole "he/she cheated first" argument falls flat with me. Both cheaters are cads, in my opinion. If he cheats on you it gives you license to leave, not to cheat.
Now, for exceptional coverage of this same topic by the other Divas and the Men's Club, see the following sites:
Silk, Ally, and newly annointed Diva Theresa. (Welcome to the fold, by the way. I'll update my links and things soon.)
Posting for the men, Jamesyboy.
