Villain #1
“The Roiling Bowels of Customer Service”
Episode # 8956 – Two Year Replacement Guarantee
[Voice Over]: Previously, on “The Roiling Bowels of Customer Service”, our fair young heroine was finally finding a remedy to her ongoing problem with the malfunctioning DVD recorder gifted to her. Customer Service instructed her to send it back following 6 specific instructions. Our dutiful heroine followed the instructions to the letter, and, going one step further provided an in depth letter to the Customer Service Department identifying herself, the nature of the problem (aka symptoms), and three ways to contact her regarding the ongoing situation. Today…
[Fade In]: [Ring….Ring…Ring]
Customer Service Agent (answering phone): Hello. XYZ Technology [Company Name fictionalized for humor]. This is [unintelligible mumble].
Our Heroine: Yes, hello. My name is Phoenix and I am calling to follow up on the status of my replacement DVD recorder.
CSA: Do you have an order number?
OH: [matter-of-factly] No. I have an RP number issued to me by customer service to expedite the return of the item and the replacement of the DVD recorder due to the 2-year replacement guarantee.
CSA: I’ll take that number…
OH: It is R-P-4-5-9-8-2-2-0-0-0 [number fictionalized for humor]
CSA: [searching in a computer, clicking and tapping sounds] Ah, yes. This was purchased by a Mrs. Smith, is that correct?
OH: Yes. That’s right. Lulubelle.
CSA: And you say that you have sent us the unit? When was this? I do not show that we have received it.
OH: [beginning to feel perplexed, with furrowing brow] I shipped it on 7/12/04 via USPS. It was sent insured and I have a tracking number. The USPS told me it was delivered on 7/14/04 to your facility.
CSA: Yes, Mrs. Phoenix. Can you give me that tracking number?
OH: Yes. It is…[reaching for document]…5-3-6-3-0-0-0-3-0-2-7-8-9-6-5-5 [number fictionalized for humor]
CSA: Repeating. That was 5-3-6-3-0-0-0-0-3-0-2
OH: [Interrupting] No, no. I say again: 5 – 3 – 6 – 3 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 3 – 0 – 2 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 6 – 5 – 5
CSA: I’m going to search that number to see if I can tell who signed for it on www.usps.com. [More typing and clicking sounds] Ma’am? I’m sorry but USPS shows no such package. I’ve checked it three times.
OH: Nevertheless, the USPS told me that it was delivered.
CSA: Yes, ma’am. One moment please. [Click]
[OH has entered the dubious and nebulous Land of Hold]
CSA: [Returning] Yes, ma’am. We have received it.
OH: [Relieved] Terrific! Can you tell me when the replacement unit was shipped? I have not received it.
CSA: [Bureaucratically superior tone] Yes, ma’am. We are not going to replace it.
OH: I beg your pardon? [Thinking she mis-heard the CSA] Did you say you are not going to replace it?
CSA: Yes ma’am. That is correct.
OH: [Becoming angry] But I had a replacement guarantee. We spent $87.99 on a replacement guarantee. Why aren’t you replacing it?
CSA: Yes, ma’am. We don’t carry that model anymore. We can’t replace it.
OH: [angrier] But you sold a “Two-Year Replacement Guarantee”. Moreover, the item comes with a “Quality Assurance Guarantee” certificate. Are you telling me I have no remedy? You no longer sell DVD recorders?
CSA: [grudgingly] Yes, ma’am. Well, we do have a newer model, but it is $100 more.
OH: [even angrier] We paid $87.99 extra for a “Two Year Replacement Guarantee”. Are you saying this doesn’t cover the eventual discontinuation of a model and its replacement with a newer and functioning model?
CSA: [as if speaking to a stupid child] Yes, ma’am. Well, $87.99 isn’t $100.
OH: [angrier still] But it’s a REPLACEMENT Guarantee. [Doing math in head she knows that $87.99 is roughly 88% of the additional cost of the new model. Our heroine is no dummy] What about this Quality Assurance Guarantee Certificate?
CSA: Yes, ma’am. I don’t know anything about the certificate.
OH: [becoming angrier to the nth degree over all the obsequious “Yes, ma’am”s] I am a Quality Assurance Manager. I know how this works. You now have a Customer Complaint and I expect Corrective Action.
CSA: Yes, ma’am. I don’t think we have a Quality Assurance Department.
OH: [dumbfounded, exasperated, and now pissed off (a new level of angry)] What do you mean? That this Quality Assurance Guarantee isn’t worth the paper it is printed on? Are you telling me I have no remedy?
CSA: Yes, ma’am. I don’t know anything about Quality Assurance. This is Customer Service. [OH becomes exponentially more dumbfounded and makes face at OBVIOUS stupidity of last statement] Of course, [in an appeasing tone] we are crediting the account that purchased the unit, and the price of the 2 year replacement guarantee.
OH: [Now at warp-speed anger level] I didn’t purchase it. It was a gift. How is this a remedy? It had a freakin’ REPLACEMENT GUARANTEE. THIS. IS. NOT. A. BLOODY. REPLACEMENT.
CSA: Yes, ma’am. But we can’t credit your account. Don’t you know this Mrs. Smith?
OH: [Struck dumb] Of course I know her! She’s my stepmother! You have completely missed the point.
CSA: Yes, ma’am. We are crediting that account.
OH: That’s not a replacement. [With emphasis on ‘replacement’] Where is MY remedy?
CSA: Yes, ma’am. We are crediting that account.
OH: What does that do for ME?
CSA: Yes, ma’am.
OH: [Now at nuclear-level 88 pissed off] Okay. Answer me one question. Can you tell me why nobody there saw fit to contact me regarding the disposition of this unit, even though Customer Service asked for my address and I gave you my phone and email? Why did nobody contact ME?
CSA: [still bureaucratic monotone] Yes, ma’am. The people who open those packages do not have access to our customers.
OH: [Resigning to the fate of single-handedly waging the war against outrageous stupidity] [Snort] Fine. I want you to know that I am greatly and deeply distressed and dissatisfied with your inability to stand by your “two year REPLACEMENT guarantee” and your obvious lack of any Quality Assurance.
CSA: Yes, ma’am.
OH: Thank you.
[Click. Call ends.]
[In our heroine’s head: Now, how can I get my $22.15 back for the postage and insurance that they mandated on the return? ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m going to have to write them a nasty letter. Request the $22.15. It isn’t the money. It’s the principle of the thing! Bloody shouldn’t call it a bloody ‘Replacement Guarantee’. It is no such thing. Maybe call the Better Business Bureau. The freaking unit was a new item at Christmas. It’s been discontinued already 8 months later? REEEAAAALLLLLYYYYY. Perhaps there was something systemically wrong with the model? Hmmmmm. Seems to me that in the world of next generation electronic goods selling a replacement guarantee implies upgrading to a newer model if necessary when the original model has gone defunct before the end of the guarantee term. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! And...in fact looking at the fine print of the Replacement Guarantee, one finds the following statement, "XYZ upon receipt of th item will replace it with a brand new product. Should a product covered under the XYZ Quality Assurance Guarantee no longer be available, XYZ will replace the original item with a similar or enhanced item." Well that seems to specifically cover my issue!]
[Fade Out]
