Confessions on Vietnam
In response to the re-re-re-recycled news stories regarding whether or not Bush was AWOL or not, why he got to go into the Air National Guard, blah, blah, blah, I would like to make a confession.
[Lengthy Dramatic Pause to build tension]
[Deep Sigh] I regret to inform my fellow Americans that I did not serve in Viet Nam. In the years from 1969-1972 I was conspicuously absent from service to this great country. I am ashamed that I evaded the draft in these years. Of more concern is my continued absence in 1973. It was this year that I spent in an even more selfish endeavor…mitosis and self-development. Unfortunately, these endeavors and my inherent laziness meant that I completely missed serving my country. It was not until December 1973 that I became freed from these entanglements. I suppose that this means I too was AWOL. I too evaded the draft. Oh, to have been born earlier. Did I hesitate in the birth canal out of cowardice? Perhaps I did. I do not recall. So now, I am unfit to be President (even though I am still 5-years too young) because I did not serve in Viet Nam. I can’t even say that I was/was not in Cambodia at Christmas/not at Christmas. Oh the shame.
(This sarcastic moment has been brought to you by my continuing disgruntlement over the media’s preoccupation with events over 30 years ago and by the letters Q and X and the number 8. This diatribe is in no way a rebuke of those heroes who have served our country, whether abroad or in the guard, for I have nothing but deepest respect and admiration for their courage, will, and sacrifices.)
You may return to your normal activities now. Thank you.
