Proposal: A New Mascot
Pursuant to the NCAA's grand announcement about "negative" and "abusive" Native American mascots, which I ranted about here, I do hereby propose a new mascot for my Alma Mater, The University of Illinois.I propose that we change our mascot to The Flaccid Penis.
Has a certain ring to it, doesn't it?
The Flaccid Penis has quite a lot going for it. Firstly, who could be offended by a penis? Everybody either has one or owes their existence to one (or both). So who can be offended? Furthermore, since it is a flaccid penis, it is not a symbol of power, but of potential. Which, to me, is a very positive message to send. "We aren't about power, but harnessing potential, and making you all that you can be." See? Very positive image that embraces all comers. (Tee hee.)
Not even womyn's groups can be upset with a flaccid penis because it can do nothing to subjugate them.
Next, think of all of the great cheers, slogans, and clothing for sale! "Get Screwed at the University of Illinois", "The Big Dick is Here, Get Ready", "University of Illinois Blow Out", etc. If South Carolina can market hats that proudly proclaim "COCKS," the University of Illinois can do them one better. Everybody will want a Flaccid Penis stuffed doll, hat, and sweatshirt! We'll be rolling in the dough!
And the very best part of the whole proposal...
It would be one hell of a way to tell the NCAA to "SUCK THIS!"
