Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Special Notice to Pentagon on New Tactical Weapon Idea
For immediate deployment in Afghanistan:

Here is a little idea that came to me while I was brushing my teeth last night.

I recommend that the US deploy a tactical team of goats in Afghanistan. No, I am not kidding. It seems to me that goats would work pretty well in that mountainous region where bin Laden is hiding. I propose that we outfit each of these goats with a GPS locator and a minicam. Much like those roving unmanned aerial surveillance planes, the goats would surreptiously gather intelligence.

The way I figure it, a goat is a good soldier for this mission. First, his disguise is perfect (who suspects a goat of nefarious purposes -- a ram naturally has evil in mind -- but goats?). Second, as a hot meal on the hoof, so to speak, he is likely to come in contact with people in those mountains. Whether the goat becomes a meal or somebody's date for the night (okay, I suppose both are possible), opportunities do present themselves.

Suppose the goat is hunted and caught and prepped to be served in some fancy mountain picnic in honor of the wacko. We could send in a special dessert for his meal, something like a chocolate-covered daisy cutter perhaps? We would have a location and confirmation from the GPS and minicam. In fact, the minicam would continue to operate and send info home even after the goat had met the axe. In the case of the date night scenario, it would give us intel, pictures, and locations on some of the al Qaeda loyalists who are a little less choosy about their bedmates. They deserve a little something special too, don't they?

I think this idea is brilliant, if I do say so myself. In all honesty, I'm surprised that The Maximum Leader didn't think of it first. It seems like the kind of idea he would have...anyway, it isn't as though the idea is so laughable.

In WWII, pigeons were equipped with cameras to take aerial photos. I'm merely suggesting that we use a different operative. That's all. The fuzzie goat lovers don't even have to get up in arms over the deal. Circle of Life, people, circle of life. That goat would have been a "dinner" "date" one way or the other, afterall.

The fact of the matter is, I could have proposed that we also deploy these goats with a self-destruct mechanism: some charge that would kill everything in a 10-foot radius of the goat when a button was pushed from CentCom. But even I don't think that would be fair. Funny? Yes, in a South Park kind of way, but not fair to the goat. Sure, he might choose suicide when given the option of that or being Mo's date, but it would take an awful long time to train the goats to push the button and would take out too many operatives prematurely.

What do you think?

(Please don't ask me to explain just how this idea came to me. You would think I'm really weird if you knew. Of course, you probably think that already...)
posted by Phoenix | 11:21 AM


At 12:34 PM, Blogger The Wizard said...

Since your idea had goats in it my first thought was that you were thinking about Zonker and seeing as it kinda freaked you out a bit you decided you had better put those goats to good use....

Now, not quite the same idea, but you would think our military would have a way of tracking our soldiers in the field by now like RFID tag implants or small implantable tracking devices that if our boys serving in Iraq or Afganistan were kidnapped we could locat them in a snap!

At 2:17 PM, Blogger The Maximum Leader said...

I'm surprised I didn't think of it...

But how do you give a loyalty test to a goat? We gotta make sure the goats are team players...

At 12:00 AM, Anonymous zonker said...

Let's not train our goats in the use of explosives. I mean, the next thing that'll happen is they'll be running into crowds and blowing themselves up. Their battlecry? "Allah Akbaaaaaaaa", of course.

Wiz...the RFID idea has been considered but those devices are rather easy to identify and even circumvent. That's not to say that they're not still used in some cases but it's pretty rare and, I think, likely to stay that way for the near future.


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