Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Ultimately...Bare Assed
We're friends, right? I can tell you something mildly personally embarrassing and you won't think less of me? Right?

Okay, here's the scoop.

Recently I placed an order for women's undergarments from a national retailer known for such items. (They shall remain nameless because they are being really really decent about this.)

Anyway, as part of the order, I selected three pair of underwear from the "Bare Ultimate" line. When the order arrived, I checked the contents against the packing slip and then placed the items in my laundry basket for cleaning. The next day (Sunday), I did the laundry and then yesterday I chose to wear one of my new pair of underwear.

They were very nice. They are panty-line free and don't creep. Really, I was beginning to love them. That is, until 2 hours later.

It was at this time, when I was in the bathroom, that the garment came apart. As in - the entire right side seam came undone. Now, it should be pointed out that these underwear were not sewn together, but rather an adhesive bonds the appropriate places together. And poof! just like that - the bond gave way. No warning. AFTER 2 HOURS OF WEAR.

Unfortunately, the nature of the product's failure meant that there was no wearing the item for the rest of the day. Absolutely no point. I realize it may not come as a shock to you, but I'm not the kind of girl to go "commando." Shocking, I know. I just destroyed your mental images, I'm sure.

Going "commando" is not liberating for this girl. On the contrary, it made me a bit paranoid. Like somebody is going to notice the fact that I'm not wearing underwear or something. Irrational, yes, but that's how I felt. I spent the rest of the day ground-hogging, popping my head up and down and swiveling to make sure nobody caught on to my shame.

And, I was really pissed off about the whole thing.

But what really upset me was the irony: a product branded as "Bare Ultimate"...ultimately left me bare.

Now that's truth-in-labeling!

So, understandably peeved, I sent the following pointed but polite note to the customer service department:

Dear Customer Service:

I am writing about an item in my recent order number 353968204.

As I always do when I place an online order, I checked the contents of the box when it arrived (everything was fine) and then placed the items in my laundry basket for the next load.

Yesterday I washed my new under garments; among them were the 3 pair of Bare Ultimate undies from my recent order. I washed everything according to the labels and this morning, I put a pair of the Bare Ultimate panties on under my trousers.

Two hours later, at work, the right-hand seam came un-done.


Now, I realize that these panties aren’t exactly sewn together, but I did expect them to last longer than 2 hours. Are my expectations unreasonable? I hope not. I also hope that you are able to provide me with some remedy as I am not exactly eager to put on another pair tomorrow morning and find myself going “commando” again by 9 a.m. due to the faulty/weak nature of the bonding agent used in these garments.

I would appreciate your kind and speedy review of this issue.

Thank you,


Now, as I said, I don't want to trash the company who sold these magic panties. They responded to my missive with an appropriately contrite apology and I'm going to let it go.

I just thought you might like a good laugh at my expense, or at least in the irony of a product named "Bare Ultimate" ultimately leaving me bare.


posted by Phoenix | 9:18 AM


At 11:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HIGHLY recommend Hanes Chiffon panties. No panty lines, they stretch with you, and they're sewn together.

Head off to Le Boutique de la Target, my dear.

---Kath of the Cake Eaters


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