Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Wherein Phoenix Hypothesizes a Snow-Related Theory
Bumped for Update (see below)

So, we are having the snowiest winter on record. Excuse my sarcasm, but yee...haw.

I am sick unto death of all of this damn snow. Mean. Bitchy. Mean. Agressive. If I come within 20 yards of a weather man, he'd better look out, that's all I'm sayin'. And this new aggression has lead me, in my more calm moments, to come up with a theory of human behavior.

Here it is:

Stage One of the Winter Weather Derangement Syndrome: Acceptance.

This stage of WWDS is even-keeled and allows those suffering to explain away the issues and may even involve bargaining and rationalizations. "We live in Wisconsin, it snows here in the winter." But, as snow fall totals mount, some move into Stage Two of WWDS.

Stage Two of Winter Weather Derangement Syndrome: Fatigue.

This stage of WWDS maintains the acceptance of Stage One, but adds the additional symptom of fatigue. Hours of shoveling and white-knuckle driving cause sufferers to be tired. Tired both physically and mentally. Should snow fall totals continue to mount, the sufferer moves into Stage Three.

Stage Three of Winter Weather Derangement Syndrome: Depression.

This stage of advanced WWDS sees the acceptance of the prior stages move directly into depression. The sufferer feels like a victim and oftentimes the misery and victimization manifest as whining. "What happened to the sun? I'm willlllllting. If things keep going like this, the snowpiles still won't have melted in August!"

Most times, WWDS will be cease with Stage Three. However, in record-breaking years, you will see sufferers move into Stages Four and Five.

Stage Four of Winter Weather Derangement Syndrome: Hilarity.

The sufferer of WWDS quickly departs the depression of Stage Three and enters a new manic phase we refer to as Hilarity. Some will think the person is high or suffering a psychotic break. The person will laugh non-sensically at the merest suggestion of snow, guffaw long and loud over discussion of accumulation. There is a caustic, biting note to their comments and laughter. This stage usually lasts two small snow events or one large snow event. Stage Four quickly gives way to Stage Five.

Stage Five of Winter Weather Derangement Sydrome: Aggression and Bitchiness.

Stage Four of WWDS is almost light-hearted compared to the ugliness of Stage Five. Stage Five sufferers of WWDS are downright mean and aggessive. They will be tempted to beat up weathermen, bitch loudly about the godforsaken state in which they live. If the groundhog sees his shadow, Stage Five sufferers will mount a posse and go after the little rat bastard. Stage Five sufferers will also threaten Al Gore and believers of that colossal global scam that is "Global Warming" and have unkind things to say about friends who live in snow-free zones like Florida, South Texas, and Southern California. These friends and family members should not take the actions and words of a Stage Five Sufferer to heart as they are a product of the disease. They are merely acting out the hurt.

This is all I know of WWDS so far. The theory is still a work in progress. I'll keep you posted on any further developments. There might be another stage. The forecast says 6-10 more inches on Sunday.

Update: Well, we are a few more days and another blizzard down the road and I have a few more stages to report upon.

Stage Six of Winter Weather Derangement Syndrome: Auditory Halucinations

The bitchy aggression of Stage Five may or may not depart with the arrival of Stage Six. Stage Six's primary feature is the auditory halucination. It is quite specific, actually, with the word "snow" replacing other words in normal conversation.

Suppose, for example, that the following conversation were to take place:

"Hey, do you want to go to the store?"

"The Store? Sure!"

"Great! Get your coat, I'll be in the car."

The Stage Six sufferer of WWDS actually hears the following:

"Hey, do you want to go to the snow?"

"The Snow? Sure!"

"Great! Get your snow, I'll be in the snow."

I am not even kidding you - on Sunday I kept hearing the word "snow" in every sentence.

I haven't reached this point yet, but my husband assures me that Stage Seven is full-blown alcoholism.


posted by Phoenix | 11:00 PM


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