Marriage
I am a product of a broken home. My parents divorced a long long time ago. But I can still remember the days when they were together. I still vividly remember their fighting.Which is why I try to tell people that divorce is not a great thing, but sometimes it is the best thing. Too often I hear women say that their marriage is hell but that they are staying in it for the kids. She will rail, she is miserable. The symptoms are sometimes infidelity, cruelty, or other horrors. But always, this grand gesture of sacrifice where these women throw themselves on the pyre as a human sacrifice to marriage in the name of their children.
What a tragedy. And, it is a tragedy that is perpetuated. To suggest that it is better to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children than to leave it, is akin to suggesting keeping a junk car that is always in the shop for the sake of your mechanic. It just isn't smart! If you stay in a bad marriage, things invariably decay to the point where amicable disagreement (if it was ever possible) becomes out-and-out war. Your children then get to witness the fights and the anger, the seething frustration and the manipulation. Sometimes the children get thrown into the middle as something else to fight about. These are not good things for your children to see and experience. Children will attempt to take sides, often battling their own hearts in doing so. They will see these behaviors and if they are subject to them all of their life, will come to accept them as the norm. This invariably leads to them having issues of their own in marriage later in life. To girls, it propagates the idea that women must sacrifice themselves to their men, and to boys...it promotes the idea that women must submit. Are there any more negative messages?
Sometimes the right thing, the brave thing to do, is to set an example as someone who loves his or herself. A clean break can be healing and allow each of the parents to seek happiness. In the end, children want their parents to be happy. Even if they aren't together. They don't want to see their parents fighting and feel the need to choose sides, because children love both of their parents and don't easily forsake one for the other. Moreover, it can give children the idea that you can still be a valuable person when not paired, and that you should not submit yourself to torture. If the parent remarries, it can give the children a good example of a marriage (or even a bad one), but at least the child doesn't have to witness the daily misery of the parents.
If you stay in a bad marriage, don't lie to yourself and don't blame it on the children. Your children will get over a broken marriage much more quickly than you will. Your children just want you to be happy in much the same way that you want them to be happy. What many don't realize is that children are only as happy as you are. They are little sponges that will soak up your negativity. So if you have tried everything else and nothing is working, consider giving your children your happiness instead of sacrificing them to the same pyre you've thrown yourself on.
I don't mean to advocate divorce, per se. I feel that too many people enter into marriage too casually. This leads to a great too many casual divorces. But, if you have given it your all and you are failing...choose a better life for yourself. Your children will thank you for it.
I'm glad that my parents divorced. They are much happier now apart than they ever could have been had they stayed together.
