Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...Or Go Wander?
Daylight spent the night without youBut I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through
Hey man betcha you can treat me right
You just don’t know what you was missin’ last night
I wanna see you beggin, say forget it just for spite
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you,
that's whyI hate myself for loving you
For once, the weekly Demystifying Divas and Men’s Club topic is one that I can actually speak to from real experience. Vast Experience. I practically have a doctorate on the subject. The topic is long distance relationships: Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or, does it actually make the heart go wander?
Let us examine.
There are many things that you will find in long distance relationships. Chief among the tangible things are high phone bills, excessive outlays of cash for travel, and lots of stamps. However, the intangible things are more important to this discussion. These intangibles include deceit, heartache, work, and angst.
I would like to assure you that long distance relationships are easy, but that would be a lie. They are not easy at all. They are fraught with perils, problems, and doubt. Very few long distance relationships finish the race. This is due in large part to the difference between men and women and the answer to that 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' question.
I would say that in the case of women, yes, distance does make her heart grow fonder of him. This is because she isn't subjected to the itching and scratching of his daily presence. Her mind is able to gloss over his foibles and smooth out his rough edges. She is able to romanticize him because he isn't around to muck the picture up. His perfection can be preserved from his own deleterious and defiling nature. His distance allows her to make excuses for him. Excuses that, because she has crafted them, are so much better and easier to believe than anything he might come up with and offer on his own behalf. I tell you these things because I've been there. I know. It is very easy to grow fonder of a perfected, romanticized creation of your own making.
In the case of men, however, I would say that they mostly fall in that 'distance makes the heart go wander' category. The fact is, long distance relationships require the kind of work that is anathema to men. Most men don't like chatting on the phone, for example, which is a basic pillar of long distance relationships. Communication is key, and most men just don't have the stones for it. They also don't like to write letters or emails, or read them for that matter, so this does not help either. In fact, men are more hands-on when it comes to relationships (if you know what I mean). They want and need a right hand gal pal, not some nebulous and distant idea of a women that requires a lot of work to maintain. If she were a classic car she might be worth the work, but a Midwestern Farm Girl? Not so much.
There is more to long distance relationships than just work though. There is also the very real danger of deceit. Because of the nature of the relationship and non-proximity communications, there is no sure way of recognizing the bullshit and deceit (if you are lucky enough to get him on the phone.) You don't really know if he has been pining for you or if he's been banging the bartender on every other Tuesday. (He's not going to tell you about the Bartender.) He may lie about how much he is working or what he has planned. You want to think the best of him and will find it very difficult to separate the bull from the..., you know. Trust me, been there, done that.
The last big peril of the long distance relationship is self-loathing and angst. It is these qualities that prompted me to include the Joan Jett lyrics at the top of the post. These qualities derive from the fact that long distance relationships are deceptive in and of themselves. Because you end up talking so much to each other, these relationships tend to get very emotional very quickly, and sometimes artificially. These very deep feelings, when coupled with lack of communication and doubt can develop into "I hate myself for loving you." The separation can be frustrating (both sexually and otherwise) and begin to wear heavily on one. People in your real life may even begin to question whether this Mr. or Ms. Wonderful actually exists. Again, trust me, this does not feel good.
I find, however, that I can not end this post on a negative note, so I will leave you with the following.
Long distance relationships can make it to the finish line. I was in a 6-year long distance relationship and that man became my husband. It wasn't until the last year (when he had decided to pop the question and was working up to it) that he got good at the communication part. In fact, our twice-monthly conversations ramped up to 5 times/week communications. I wanted to ask, "who are you, and what did you do to my boyfriend" but was afraid of the answer I might get! If you want a long distance relationship to work, you have to be honest (both of you) and you have to work at it. There is no substitute for the hours of communication and weekend meetups. If you don't do these, you are doomed. Doomed! I say. Make room for the other person in your life. There are no easy answers, you will just have to figure out what works for you. There is hope, if you can avoid the landmines along the way. But, now that I've told you what they look like, you should be better prepared.
Anyway, go check out what the other Saucy, Sophisticated, and Scandalous Divas have to say on the matter. When you are done with that, get the flip side of the picture from the Debonair, Dashing, Dangerous, and Dreamy members of The Men's Club. (Why is it that I always imagine them in a luxe room full of leather-bound books in a haze of cigar smoke, each of them wearing a silk brocade smoking jacket and sipping a brandy?) I'm not sure whether Mark has been officially given his ceremonial humidor and initiation or even if he'll be posting, but he may.
Also, keep your eyes open next week. The Divas & Men will be posting on Tuesday with a holiday-themed topic!
