Customer Service In Hell
The following narrative is a faithful and true recounting of the events of a May afternoon in Schaumburg, Illinois.It was 1992 and I was going to graduate from high school in the following days. My father and stepmother were visiting from Kansas to witness my big moment. I was already out of school, however, as the seniors finished finals about 2 weeks ahead of the rest of the student body. As such, it was left to me to entertain them and ferry them about.
One day, we went to Schaumburg to visit Woodfield Mall. Dad bought me a new backpack (Eddie Bauer) for college, and we eventually left the mall and headed to a local office supply store. It could have been Staples or Office Depot, that is unimportant. What is important is that after cleaning up at the office supply store, we grew a bit parched.
We were keen for refreshment. Something to wet our whistles. Something to stop us from spitting cotton.
Just down the strip mall from the office supply store there was a Caesar's Pizza. We ambled that way and waited our turn in line to order.
"Can I help you, sir?" The young man behind the counter asked.
"We'd like three cokes, please. Larges." Dad said, all business.
"Is that all?" The clerk looked confused.
"Yep. That's it." Dad reached into his back pocket for his wallet. (We say "yep" in Kansas.)
"I'm sorry, sir, I can't sell you three cokes." The clerk's face was sincere.
"Out of coke?"
"No, sir."
"Well, I can see quite plainly that you aren't out of cups, so what is the problem?"
"Sir, if you order three cokes I have to give you six."
Looking dumbfounded, but ready to play with the dipshit, Dad said, "Can I buy two and you give me three?"
"No sir. If you buy two, I have to give you four."
Getting irked now, "Can I buy two, you give me three, and keep one for yourself?"
"No sir. That's against store policy."
"Can I buy two, you give me four, and I throw one away?"
"Management frowns on that, sir."
"Well, we wouldn't want to upset management!" Dad is losing his patience. "You realize, I hope, how asinine this is?"
"Sir?"
"A person is not able to leave this place with an odd number of anything. It is ridiculous."
"I just work here, sir." The clerk doesn't seem to see the problem.
"Yes. You are working very hard, I can see."
"So, what can I get you, sir?"
"That is the question of the moment. You are certain that you can't just give me three when I buy two?" Clerk shakes his head in the negative. "Fine." Dad turns to man in line behind us and asks, "Excuse me, can I buy you something to drink?"
Caught off guard, the stranger replies, "Uh, I guess so."
"What would you like?"
"A Sprite?"
Turning back to the cashier, Dad said, "We'll take three large cokes and one large Sprite, but I only want to pay for two beverages. Any problem with that?"
The cashier ponders this strange turn of events and seems to consider if this is against policy. "I think this is okay," he says.
"Finally!"
We finally got to quench our thirst, the stranger got a free Sprite, and the clerk didn't end up on the wrong side of store policy. But, we laughed for hours over this bit of ridiculousness.
And as a family we still laugh about this day and how you can never tell what you are going to come up against in Schaumburg, IL.
That, and, this must be like what customer service is like in Hell.
