'Til Death Do Us Part
It is once again time for the Demystifying Divas and The Men's Club to tackle another big question. This week we are answering the question:If your significant other came down with a life-threatening condition, or long-term illness (ie. cancer, persistent coma, etc.) would you stay? What level of commitment would dictate that?Dating, Marriage, Engaged?
It is going to be hard for me to make my answer humorous, ye be warned.
It may be impossible.
It is like this: you must be lead by your heart. If my husband became seriously ill, you can damn well bet that I'd be there at his side. I'd mop his brow, I'd change his diaper, whatever. That's sort of what those wedding vows are all about. "In Sickness, and in Health, 'til Death Do Us Part" is not to be miscontrued, nor does it come with some sort of hidden codicil stating "unless of course, you get...um...seriously hurt or turn into a vegetable, or start hanging out too much in a stinky old hospital." If you can't live with the consequences, you shouldn't take the oath, that's all I'm saying.
Now, I also realize that a bit of pragmatism is necessary. What is the prognosis? Is he expected to make a recovery, however limited, or is that highly unlikely? Did he want to be on perpetual life support, or does he want a swift end to his suffering? If he is expected to be comatose for the next 20 or 50 years, you have to get on with your life. You have to go to work and take care of the kids. You can't stop living your own life. You don't have to forget him, but you do owe something to yourself, your family, and your children. You can't act as though you are the one with the injury. But whatever you do, you must do it respectfully and with careful consideration. I think it might take years before I was ready to move on, but you have to let your heart be your guide.
The second part of the question is harder to answer. I would say that if you are only dating this person, you are held to a lesser standard socially. Less will be expected of you because the attachment is more tenuous and his family will be at his bedside daily holding his hand. However, if particular circumstances are such that your heart compels more from you, so be it. But society should not and will not be so strict.
Engagement is a trickier issue and I tend to think that some duration of bedside attention should be expected. If the prognosis is for a full or partial recovery in less than 18 months, I think you should stay and reevaluate the relationship when he is recovered. Life altering events can be very difficult on relationships, and he or you may want out of the engagement. It isn't fair to bring this up or abandon your fiance when he is fighting bigger battles, but you should expect to reevaluate things when he is out of the woods. Just know that even if you do your most, never leaving his bedside for 12 months, he may still not want you anymore.
However, if the prognosis is not good and all hopes are pinned to a miracle, I think you can gracefully make your exit after a few months. I would hope that you would have the class, however, to leave a long letter, just in case, explaining your love and the unfortunate turn of events. This can even be cathartic and help you to grieve and move on. He may never read it, but if he does awaken 25 years later thinking he has only missed a few moments, this will answer questions for him, when he is ready.
But, this is only how I would deal with it. In the end, you can only be lead by your own heart.
Seriously? This topic was kind of depressing. I'll have to lighten the mood with the next post.
(You should know that I still won't talk to Prince Charming about this sort of thing, but I'm getting better. We'll have to change our Wills soon.)
For more on this subject, check out what the Feather Boa-Wearing Divas and the Silk Smoking-Jacketed Men have to say.
