Break Up Shake Up
Today, on a very special episode of The Demystifying Divas and The Men's Club, we are discussing the Break Up. Specifically, we have been charged with:Breaking Up is Hard to Do -- So How About a How-To?
Clever, no?
Okay, so first and foremost I advise honesty with a skilled scalpel instead of honesty with a blunt hammer or dishonesty like a mass-casualty train wreck. I also advise large quantities of discretion.
When you are considering your break up strategy, you should always go with honesty as your best policy. That being said, you should use your honesty lightly and carefully, because it amounts to a weapon when used at this juncture of a relationship. See the examples of right and wrong approaches below.
If you are breaking up with him or her because you'd rather scrub toilets than talk to or spend time with this person...
Scapel Approach: "I just don't feel that special spark and I don't want to waste your time."
Hammer Approach: "This isn't going to work because I don't care for you in that special way."
Train Wreck Approach: "When I am with you, I crave the company of my toilet brush."
If you are breaking up with them after discovering a tendre for someone else (whether you've acted on it or not), be honest...
Scalpel: "My heart isn't in this relationship, I have developed feelings for someone else, I'm sorry."
Hammer: "You are as exciting as oatmeal on a Tuesday morning, Joe, on the other hand, is a spicy 8-inch breakfast sausage. And I'm hungry."
Train Wreck: "The slut on the corner gives it up much easier, see ya!"
If you are breaking up with them because of their behavior at social functions (not-fit for public presentation), be honest...
Scalpel: "We are from two different worlds and I fear neither of us would be happy adapting."
Hammer: "I am looking for someone with a bit more social polish who will be an asset to me."
Train Wreck: "I can't take your nasty-ass anywhere! A starving monkey has better table manners and is less likely to make the fellow diners puke. Can't do it man. Be seein' ya!"
If you are breaking up with them because they cheated on you...
Scalpel: "Something has come between us and I value myself too much to be treated this way or let myself be this unhappy."
Hammer: "I deserve someone who is faithful to me, not his little head."
Train Wreck: "I'm sure you'll be happier with her, assuming you have enough antibiotics and you don't mind sharing her like the turnstile at the train station! But, a word to the wise: If it begins to itch, see a doctor."
See what I mean? The scalpel preserves the dignity of both the breaker and the breakee. The train wreck just leads to the lead item on the 9 o'clock news. It is possible that the more obtuse will not pick up on the gently wielded scalpel. They may even deny it. In this case, feel free to escalate to the hammer. If that still doesn't do the trick, find a jack hammer type of strategy. If that still doesn't work, get a TRO.
Now, the discretion part. The whole point of the scalpel approach is it lets both parties maintain their dignity. It would be foolish and counter-productive to sink your own strategy by telling other people that he had the personality of road kill. And the smell. This will get back to him in due time. Are you kidding? It is too delicious not to repeat. And that will prompt him to escalate matters and start telling his own tales.
It is really poor form to take your story to the press, get the other woman preggers and adopt her children in less than a year's time. Don't be bad, Don't be Brad. You are better than that.
I do hope that this has been helpful. For more good advice, see what Silk, Arielle, Theresa, Jim, Mark, and Jamesyboy have to add.
