Coming Out - Hallmark should make a card...
Today, on a very special episode of Villains Vanquished, we are tackling three very important issues. Okay, "tackling" may be pushing it a bit. Ranting, Raving, maybe even a bit of sincere questioning, but "tackling" - eh...I am a heterosexual, married mother of one. No surprise to regular readers, but I didn't want the title of this post to confuse anybody. I also have no problem whatsoever with homosexuals. I don't want to sleep with any - or really anybody other than my husband - but I don't hate them or find them creepy or anything. To me, they are just another person.
But, it is this business of "coming out" that bothers me. Let me explain...
At the very end of my freshman year of college, right as I was studying for finals feverishly, a distant friend called me and "came out." I was more than a bit distracted, studying as I was for my very important finals at the moment the phone rang, and didn't quite get what he was saying at first. Mostly because he used the phrase "coming out", as in "I'm coming out...", which at first I took to mean he was going to be joining the weekend celebratory festivities.
But, after a few moments, I began to understand what he was talking about. But, the conversation made me uncomfortable. I didn't know how to reply. This, to my knowledge, is not a topic covered by Emily Post. Hallmark doesn't make a card. What do you say when someone "comes out."
Congratulations? This doesn't seem to fit and seems sort of...sarcastic. I mean, it isn't exactly an accomplishment, is it? You don't have to take some sort of written exam to be gay, or even go to school for it. Right? I'm told that it is something inherent in you - something you are born with - so congratulations seem not to be right. That would be like congratulating someone for being a blonde. Or able to roll their tongue. Doesn't work.
And, the information was delivered in a matter-of-fact way, not with a celebratory air. He might have said, "it is raining on Green St" instead of "I'm coming out." Same tone. So again, celebration and congratulations don't fit.
Maybe I should have said "I'm sorry." But this would seem to be just as offensive for a completely different reason. While you wouldn't congratulate someone for something they have no control over, apologizing for it implies that there is something wrong with it. Argue that point if you want, but if they were born that way, it doesn't work. You wouldn't apologize for someone being hampered with the ability to wiggle their nose, would you?
I am not being purposely obtuse, I swear. I'm just looking for some sincere direction in these situations. I realize that "coming out" can be traumatic (if you are telling close friends, your heterosexual fiancee, or your homophobic family), but what if you aren't close? I had to be pretty low on the list of people to inform. But then, I take issue with the need to inform me in the first place. (In particular, I was kind of offended at his timing, coming as it did when I was pretty damn busy proving to my parents that I was worth the investment, but that's another post entirely.)
I don't go around identifying my sexual preferences for my acquaintances, after all. And I'm not particularly interested in what flips their switch either. If my neighbors are into bondage, I don't care. If my parents or siblings are into key parties or toys, I don't want to know. And they are people that are very close to me. I just don't understand why people feel the need to be defined by their sexuality. Can't they just be Tom or Jerry or Susan? What's the deal? I am more than a heterosexual female. Aren't they more than gay?
I choose to assume so (because the other avenue is pretty bleak). And, if that is the case, why this pressing need to tell me? Do you think I will learn from it? Like somehow I will be instantaneously blessed with an admiration of abstract art or Streisand? Not likely. The only thing I'm going to learn from it is to stop particularly introducing you to my single female friends. It isn't like I keep a secret list for planning dinner parties that has a checkmark for gay, straight, bi-, or confused. I don't plan seating charts following a gay-straight-gay-straight format. And I don't think you should get special treatment for identifying yourself as homosexual either. I'm not going to treat you any differently than my other friends. I don't care about their sexual preferences either.
I sincerely wish you'd just keep it to yourself. Sure, if I keep telling you to ask out my single female manicurist, by all means - throw it in my face. Tell me she's not your type. That's fine. I mean, I would never take match-making any further than making introductions like a polite hostess should, but I'll take that hypothetical leap.
I'm not a prude, either, just so you know. I just don't feel like it is necessary. I don't talk about my bedroom activities, so I don't feel like I'm inviting conversation on the matter.
Seriously. What is the appropriate response when someone feels the need to tell you how they like it? Changing the topic seems rude. Congratulations seem bizarre. Apolgies are offensive. Should I say, "Okay. I'm making a note"? This too seems denigrating, but I'm at a complete loss as to what to say. Nothing seems to fit.
Maybe I'm just socially stunted.
Labels: Earnest Reflections
