Things Every Woman Should Know...
Phin, that most charming of golden fish (I mean really - has there ever been a sexier bowl-dweller?), has posted an indispensible list of advice for men. Me, not being one to let things alone, do hereby submit a similar list of suggestions to the ladies.Ladies, take caution in your relations with those of the "stronger" sex, and follow these sage pearls:
- Never, Never, NEVER say anything about his mother, her cooking, her "jokes" (that are really mean slams against you) or her personal peccadilloes. That is, don't say anything negative about her in his hearing or to anyone who might tell tales on you. You'll be starting a world war, and remember how that worked out for Archduke Francis Ferdinand.
- Never use any dimunitive adjectives when referring to any part of his body. I mean it! Don't refer to his "baby toe" or his "little finger" or refer to any other part of his anatomy (you know that of which I speak) as a "cocktail weiner," "spicy hot sausage," or any other meat, unless it is a 30-pound prime rib. I don't care if he's hung like an elephant, all men are sensitive about "shrinkage" and not appearing up to their best.
- Never suggest that he should not go out with the boys, even if he does have a temperature and has been whining for two days like a teething 8-month-old baby.
- Men are just as self-conscious about their waistlines as women. Never suggest that a few less beers and a few more sit-ups might go a long way.
- Never, Ever, Ever suggest that he really doesn't need so much butter and gravy in his diet.
- Never suggest that his friends are not the best men in 10 counties, no matter how drunken, slovenly, or irresponsible they might be.
- Do not eschew lard as an ingredient in anything if "Grandma" was a staunch supporter of animal fat.
- Cater to his culinary preferences for the first year, then wean him onto less onerous kitchen tasks for yourself slowly, but don't ever tell him you've made a change. For example, all of my recipes that call for a can of Cream of Mushroom soup got strained for Mushroom bits in the first year of my marriage, because Prince Charming despises the fungus. Now however, he doesn't recognize that he is eating them. DON'T EVER LET HIM KNOW!
- Don't ever suggest that he is being taken advantage of by friends or family. He won't thank you for pointing out he's a sucker.
- Don't ever suggest that your father may have been questioning his ability to protect his eldest daughter when Dad gave him that rifle. Let him continue to believe it was the most gracious of gifts and biggest vote of confidence he could have received.
Ladies, take this advice to your heart. Learn it, Live it. No doubt you will discover the landmines in your own relationships soon enough, but this small list should serve you well.
