Moody Monday
I am a bit moody today for multiple reasons, one of which I will speak about in generalities, the other which I shall only mention in passing. (That's all you will read about it.)I'm feeling so...I don't even know the word. Scared, confused,...fragile.
I have spoken in the past about how I narrowly escaped rape in my Freshman year of college. If you are a regular reader, you will know this, though I don't believe I've ever posted a blow-by-blow. Anyway, this episode and the emotional damage it and the surrounding events and other emotional abuse I suffered took a very long time to get over.
I don't intend to put myself in the same category as women who actually are raped. I know that I am lucky. I know that rape survivors have much more to deal with than I. So, you won't catch me putting myself in that category.
I will say, however, that there is abuse that has nothing to do with scars or bleeding that takes just as long to get over. And, the vast majority of my pain has been of this type. I would like to be able to say that I've gotten past it, but I'm not sure that I have. Even typing this I am crying. Surely that is a sign of unresolved issues, or at least a symptom of something.
What is prompting all of this flooding back now? This thing that tried to rape me has sent me an email. In fact, I found out yesterday that he has also sent my sister an email, inquiring about me. And this troubles me. Greatly.
I have absolutely no desire to allow this person to victimize me again in anyway. I'm not a pathetic puppet, or a gullible idiot anymore. I am a strong woman. That was a learning experience. But, it isn't one that I intend to repeat.
I am happy in my life now. I think I've gotten past all of these issues and no longer suspect all men have the same nefarious intentions. It took me a long time, but now I am healthy. I think.
But now I am scared. He sends me an email and it has me breathing differently. I'm nervous. I've thought long and hard about it over the weekend and have decided that this is a reasonable response, given the circumstances. Why, you ask? It could be a simple request to allow him to apologize?
Yeah. And maybe he has some beachfront property to sell me in Nebraska.
The fact of the matter is that if he wanted to apologize, he's had ample opportunity. My parents lived at the same addresses he was familiar with long after the incident. He could have sent an apology to either of those locations and it would have reached me. But he didn't.
So here we are, 13 years later, and he sends an email. An email, I should point out, that still isn't an apology. Nope, even having ferreted me out that far he still couldn't do that. So, why should I believe that he has changed? I've bitten by this camoflaged snake before, I'm not going to get bitten again. No. It is merely another one of the tricks in his evil bag. He acts all charming and, as in this case, remorseful without actually saying anything, to lure me into his trap.
To be honest, it is insulting that he would think I'd fall for it.
But I still feel all of this rage. Not rage exactly, but pain. Kind of like an injured animal, I'm ready to lash out. I want to hurt him. It is wrong, I know, but there it is.
I don't want to feel this brittle halfness. I don't want to be this frightened person afraid of the motorcycle-wearing blond behind me on the interstate. I want to be my superwoman self, confident, clever, and sincere.
I was careful to wear a mask all weekend, not wanting to ruin the planned festivities celebrating Prince Charming's birthday, but it hasn't gone away. I'm still jumpy.
More than that, though, I feel guilty. When the incident happened, I didn't press charges. I've always wondered if the next girl wasn't so lucky. Rape isn't about the girl, it is about power. I know this, but what if my inaction led to something far worse?
The whole thing is weighing on my mind like a battleship-sized anchor in a dinghy.
There won't be much other posting today because of this.
