Saturday, May 31, 2008
Finally, an award worth crowing about!
I am a regular entrant in The Hatemonger's Quarterly's Annual Horrible College Student Poetry Contest.

Regular readers will know that on occasion I spill a few lines. Indeed, I had a regular series of political poetry on John Kerry (see links in sidebar).

After participating for a number of years, I have finally broken into the circle of winners. That's right, you heathens, I pulled out a 2nd Runner-Up. Presumably, if the winner and the first runner-up are unable to complete their duties, I'll get a shot. That's a joke, so you know.

The point of this contest is to sound like a college student and write a horrible piece of poetry spewing self-hatred and the like. You often get points-off for correct spelling, punctuation, and grammer.

Anyway, I wanted to post my poem here because the dramatic end got cut off of the post at Hatemonger's Quarterly.

So, here 'tis:

No more salad for me, Mom!

The guilt, the guilt
weighs heavy on my shoulders
Pushing me down down down
where i rightly belong.

How long - lo! so many years
have i masticated, chewed, gobbled, and munched
Proudly and yes, even arrogantly
murdered my green friends at the salad bar.

The shame, the shame
does not the cereal have rights?
does not she want to go to seed
and see her fruit grow up around her?

i, murderer me, am complicit in
a worldwide conspiracy
the subjugation of all green things
to my plate and my palate

the plant kingdom should rightly rise up
and crush us in her photosynthesized grasp
for the indignity of being smothered in Hidden Valley Ranch
and the barbarity of cheese

we rape her and eat her offspring in tasty pies and tarts
we grind the bones of her babies to make our bread
and my, oh my! after plundering Mother Earth for so long of her fossil fuels
now we take our green friend's babe to fuel our lust for the hum of the V8

The kindest and most Earth-friendly thing i can do is cease to be.

So, i plunge this spade into my heart, turning the Earth over myself in supplication.

I think it has a nice violent Mother Earth tone.
posted by Phoenix | 6:47 AM


At 12:52 PM, Anonymous The Hairy beast said...

The Beast particularly like you "Barbarity of cheese" line. WOnderful!

So from the winner - congrats on your place and congrats on penning such an awful poem!


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