Lies, Damn Lies, and the Liars Who Lie Those Aforementioned Lies
Thank the good Lord! Inspiration has finally struck me, like a beer bottle thrown by a biker in anger. The Exceptional and Divine Divas, plus one Sheila, and a horny and happy gaggle of men are all chiming in on the Tuesday Topic: the lies we tell our significant others. Read them all, they are fabulous. However, I want to deviate from the topic slightly and talk a bit about, as the title suggests, Lies, Damn Lies, and the Liars who Lie those aforementioned Lies.
Our first sub-topic: The Compulsive Liar
I have become familiar with this beast mostly through my association with a certain woman I know. She is an eternal optimist and naive about much of life, but, one day this naivete ran away with her.
You see, at a particularly vulnerable point in her life, a man who had ill-used her twenty years earlier came suddenly back into her life. He made his appearance quite suddenly, and they caught up on what twenty years time had wrought in each others lives. Of course, for those of us bystanders who got to hear the regurgitated tale from her lips, it all sounded a bit too fantastic. It was too glamourous by half and the pieces didn't quite fit. Nevertheless, this woman had forced the puzzle together anyway and expected the rest of us to ooh and aah over the pretty picture it made.
Alas.
The compulsive liar, given a bit of rope, quickly embroidered his tale and hung himself with the self-same rope. His lies all of a sudden had evidence. He's divorced, but not according to any court. He gives expensive jewelry. No, honey, he doesn't. This divaesque lady had to be the one to inform her that the $5,000 he said he had shelled out on a ruby tennis bracelet was either a lie or he was not so up on the glamourous life as he had led her to believe. "Honey (insert shake of head) that bracelet isn't worth $299.00. The rubies are small and cloudy - not quality - and the gold work is not intricate or even well done. The fact of the matter is, you can get this same bracelet or a close imitation at any Wal-Mart. I'm really sorry." Time passed and soon all of his lies (he was exceptionally prolific) came out in the wash.
And so, the compulsive liar got his cajones handed back to him. He was outed and scurried back to his nest with his tail between his legs. But our friend, she was very hurt. It didn't matter that she told him to stuff his sorries in a sack, he hurt her most egregiously. But, she learned from that pain and is better for it.
The compulsive liar lies because he can. He is a miserable human being who builds a sand castle of lies so that he can see himself as the prince of his own kingdom. But in actuality, he is a tyrant who merely wants to enslave others to his fiction. So, let the tide come in and wash the bastard to sea.
Second Sub-topic: Arranged Lies
In my family we have a saying: You lie and I'll swear to it - then it will be fact.
This saying has been put to good use by both my sister and I. You see, sometimes we find ourselves in a situation from which we seek extrication. You know, social obligations and the like that one desperately wishes to avoid. So, my sister and I provide each other with lies. We are each other's secret keeper and co-conspirator. For example, suppose my sister calls me bemoaning some weekend-long company function that she wants to get out of. What do I do?
Well, I might suggest to her that she suddenly get an emergency phone call from me on Friday afternoon. That this emergency might be a brother-in-law who has been injured in a fluke accident in the garage - of which there was no time to get the full details - except he really is a klutz, that brother-in-law of mine - but my sister is begging me to come and help her because he's going to be in the hospital having tests....
Or, we might fabricate a codeword to extricate both of us from an untenable social scenario. For example, she might call my cell phone and then hang up after I've answered. I have a "conversation" with the mechanic who informs me that he'll be open for another hour and I can pick up my car. Naturally, she is my ride, so we must depart.
Are these lies? Why yes, yes they are. But who do they hurt, really? You don't have to tell someone you presumably care about that his friends are rude pricks and that he morphs into one around them. You don't have to linger at some party where you are the youngest by about 40 years and can't find anyone in the room who believes that you should have a right to direct any part of your own Social Security. I say, the Artful and Arranged Lie is a necessity!
But, two words of caution: the best arranged lies discourage others from seeking more information. For example, a lie about someone in the families sexual plumbing emergency may be a better choice because you can use euphemisms that discourage the polite and those feigning interest from seeking a follow-up status report. And in the odd case of some rude philistine who seeks gory details, you can always play up the discretion card and say, "Oh...well, everything will eventually be okay." And leave it at that. If they attempt to pry further, an arched eyebrow and a moue of the lips will do the trick.
My other suggestion is to embroider the tale. If you are going to lie, make it believable. Fill in the blanks with the details and live the lie. Bring it to life! "Apparently the dumb-ass was jumping up to grab something off of a shelf in the garage instead of getting out the ladder. It would have taken a whole five seconds, but not my brother-in-law. Oh no. Instead, on one of his descents, he knocked the shovel off of its peg in the wall. The thing came rushing down and gouged into his sandal-ed toes. Dumb ass! He was gushing blood all over the garage, and then all over the dirty laundry in the mud room before my sister caught up with him. She's really pissed too, because it was all antic baby clothes she was washing and going through for the baby. He's toast if he survives it." If you embroider the lie with enough believable threads, all pointing to truths, then you will be more likely to be believed.
There you have it. One exposition on compulsive liars, and another on how to improve your own lies. It must be Public Service day here at Villains Vanquished.
